[{"data":1,"prerenderedAt":432},["ShallowReactive",2],{"blog-post-\u002Fshyness-niceness":3},{"id":4,"title":5,"body":6,"date":418,"description":419,"draft":420,"extension":421,"image":422,"meta":423,"navigation":425,"path":426,"seo":427,"stem":428,"tags":429,"__hash__":431},"content_en\u002Fshyness-niceness.md","Overcoming shyness: Not nice",{"type":7,"value":8,"toc":408},"minimark",[9,14,18,21,24,27,30,33,36,42,45,97,100,103,106,109,112,115,126,130,133,142,145,148,151,171,174,180,183,189,193,196,202,205,208,214,217,220,223,229,232,235,241,244,247,250,253,259,262,265,271,274,282,285,291,294,297,301,304,307,312,315,319,322,325,328,332,335,338,341,344,347,351,354,357,362,365,372,378,383,388,391,396,399,402,405],[10,11,13],"h2",{"id":12},"nice-defined","Nice defined",[15,16,17],"p",{},"What is nice? It’s a word we all know and use, but rarely stop to think\nabout.",[15,19,20],{},"Are you a nice person?",[15,22,23],{},"Would other people describe you with using this word?",[15,25,26],{},"Let's say you're going at a dinner party and one of the people there, said:",[15,28,29],{},"\"Hey, when we get there, just be nice\"",[15,31,32],{},"When recieve this kind of advice, what's your experience at the dinner party?\nWhen you're at this dinner party, what are you actually focusing on? Are you\nfocusing on speaking freely and spontaneously asking what you’re most curious\nabout, and being fully engaged?",[15,34,35],{},"Of course not.",[15,37,38],{},[39,40,41],"strong",{},"Being nice, at its core, is about focusing of being liked by others and making\neverything smooth",[15,43,44],{},"Let's see how does the rules of a nice person look like:",[46,47,48,52,55,58,61,64,67,70,73,76,79,82,85,88,91,94],"ul",{},[49,50,51],"li",{},"Believe that if you are good enough, nobody will reject, betray, or criticize you.",[49,53,54],{},"Never interrupt someones's during his\u002Fher talk.",[49,56,57],{},"Never disappoint anyone, even if you disappoint yourself.",[49,59,60],{},"Say “it’s fine” when it is absolutely not fine.",[49,62,63],{},"Give people unlimited chances and call it understanding.",[49,65,66],{},"Apologize for having needs. Say \"Sorry\" a LOT in general.",[49,68,69],{},"Make yourself easy to use, easy to ignore.",[49,71,72],{},"Call boundaries “selfish” and exhaustion \"generosity & niceness\"",[49,74,75],{},"Protect everyone from discomfort except yourself.",[49,77,78],{},"Hide your true opinions to remain likable.",[49,80,81],{},"Say yes immediately, then feel trapped afterward.",[49,83,84],{},"Treat other people’s emergencies as more important than your own life.",[49,86,87],{},"Forgive without requiring changed behavior.",[49,89,90],{},"Give more than you can afford—emotionally, financially, or physically to\neveryone who needs it.",[49,92,93],{},"Avoid asking for help so nobody can accuse you of being needy. You should be\nmore giving",[49,95,96],{},"Become angry at people for not reading feelings you never expressed.",[15,98,99],{},"And each of these rules are a big problem that can take away much of the joy of living.\nIn the process of eliminating social anxiety and shyness, eliminating this kind\nof attribute, should be one of your main goals.",[15,101,102],{},"You want to be LESS NICE. You’re not just a nice person. You’re not just a kind,\nloving, generous, good-hearted, patient, wise, smart, proactive, and responsible\nperson. Because you also have a shadow of yourself, which demands pleasure. I\nmean pure pleasure, Eating sweet foods, having sex, no responsibility at all. No\nwork, just fun! You need to feel your shadow, own it. You don't suppress the\ndesire, but you also don't let it drive the car.",[15,104,105],{},"I’m not saying you aren’t those things(loving,kind etc...), In fact, you may\nhave many or even all of those qualities. But guess what? You’re also selfish,\nself-centered, judgmental, impatient, impulsive, greedy, and careless in some\nways. We are all. You are. And you should have a healthy amount of self\ninterest.",[15,107,108],{},"Because we humans are animals, even though we often forget this fact, and we are\nextremely complex. In fact, we share a large amount of our core brain structures\nwith reptiles. This part of our brain is primarily concerned with keeping\nourselves alive, securing a mate and having sex, and maintaining power and\ndomination over others so that we can secure said mate and sex.",[15,110,111],{},"We also have a highly advanced emotional brain that we share with all mammal\nspecies. This makes us focused on deeply connecting with others, helping themout\nas they help us out, and devoting ourselves to taking care of our young\nchildren.",[15,113,114],{},"This combination is, incredible and makes us miraculous species. And yet, this\ncan become extremely confuzing when you are just supposed to think of feel only\none of the particular ways. Your mind is a collection of different, complex\nentities that vary greatly in their desires.",[15,116,117,118,125],{},"This concept is somehow related to foundings of the famous neurologist \"Sigmund\nFreud\", known as ID, Ego, SuperEgo. ",[119,120,124],"a",{"href":121,"rel":122},"https:\u002F\u002Fen.wikipedia.org\u002Fwiki\u002FId,_ego_and_superego",[123],"nofollow","Read here for more\ninformation",".",[10,127,129],{"id":128},"not-nice","Not nice",[15,131,132],{},"One of the First steps towards eliminating shyness and social anxiety comes from\nwithin. You, a person who feel isolated from the world, is likely to have a lack\nof of self.",[15,134,135,136,141],{},"You don't know your strengths. You don't feel worthy. The first one is actually\nfamiliar for people who have an experience going to job interviews.  The\nstrengths and weakness of the interviewee, is the kind of subject that\ninterviewer asks from the interviewee in a usual interview process.  It is often\nsubjects to some jokes too ",[119,137,140],{"href":138,"rel":139},"https:\u002F\u002Fyoutu.be\u002FdPiqPK631HE?t=108",[123],"Example",". The\ngoal of this question might not really related to this subject, but this\nquestion also shows how self-aware you are.",[15,143,144],{},"Now, the opposite of nice is... Not being a jerk. The opposite of nice means, you\nknow who you are, you know your values, and you know what you value. Having\nthese in you mind then, you're going after what you actually want.",[15,146,147],{},"You are still kind, caring, generous, loving and a helpful person. But you're not doing that to\nplease others. You're not doing them so no one feels discomort near you. You're\nnot living in fear of \"Was i good enough\" and \"Did anyone like me?\".",[15,149,150],{},"Instead, a “not nice” person’s mindset may look something like this:",[46,152,153,156,159,162,165,168],{},[49,154,155],{},"I know who I am.",[49,157,158],{},"I understand my strengths and weaknesses.",[49,160,161],{},"I know what I value.",[49,163,164],{},"I can be kind without seeking approval.",[49,166,167],{},"I do not have to make everyone like me.",[49,169,170],{},"I can pursue what I want without constantly worrying about other people’s opinions.",[15,172,173],{},"I can choose to say yes, and I can choose to say no. I can hold back and keep\nquiet, or I can ask a tough question that challenges someone. If someone close\nto me is doing something that annoys me, I can bring it up and talk about\nit. When I really want something and the first response I get is a no, I ask\nquestions and see if the other person is open to changing their mind. I’m\ncompletely free to choose exactly how I want to be in this moment, based on what\nfeels right to me. I am the decider. I am the creator of my life.",[15,175,176,177,125],{},"I'm me. The real me. And it feels good. I dont know how people react to this. We\ndon’t have control of whether people like us or not. The only thing we have\ncontrol over is, ",[39,178,179],{},"how fully we show up",[15,181,182],{},"Let's you are entering a room with about 100 people. How much people of these\npeople are gonna like you? It's about 62 people. Right? Just joking. We dont\nknow.",[15,184,185,188],{},[39,186,187],{},"But i do know one thing for certain",":\nIf you dont show up you're self fully around others, there are a LOT less people\nwho like you. People can feel it when you're not your authentic self. And most\npeople feel disconnected with you.",[10,190,192],{"id":191},"high-cost-of-a-nice-person","High cost of a nice person.",[15,194,195],{},"Even we might feel some stress during being nice... It might not be clear to\nyou why you should get rid of it.",[197,198,199],"blockquote",{},[15,200,201],{},"Yeah, but nice is still good, isn’t it? If I were somehow better, saintlier,\nmore giving, then I wouldn’t have all this fear and guilt and anger anyway. I\nmean, being nice is the best way to be in the world, after all. I just need to\ntry harder!",[15,203,204],{},"Nice programming runs deep and it's hard to see the otherside before making any\nprogress.",[15,206,207],{},"Below i'm writing some of costs of being nice to make the subject more\nclear how niceness can wreak havoc into your life. I've experience all of this:",[209,210,211],"ol",{},[49,212,213],{},"Anxiety:",[15,215,216],{},"Being nice is about pleasing others and feeling bad if you're going to break\nsomeone's feelings. You're worried how others will react to you and think of\nyou. You feel responsible for other's feeling.",[15,218,219],{},"If i invited some people who didn't know each other, i feel so responsible if it\ngoes well or not. What if some of them didn't like the others? Yeah my anxiety\nwould skyrocket, and guilt comes after that too.",[15,221,222],{},"This creates, a sheer amount of anxiety.",[209,224,226],{"start":225},2,[49,227,228],{},"Resentment & Rage:",[15,230,231],{},"Resentment & anger builds up day after day, you feel sucked. Shyness and\nNiceness in general, can turn into resentment and rage, when feelings, needs or\nbounderies stay unexpressed for a long time.",[15,233,234],{},"You feel angry about being mistreated but you can't express it.",[209,236,238],{"start":237},3,[49,239,240],{},"Powerlessness",[15,242,243],{},"Pleasing others. Putting other first. Extremely accommodating. Avoid speaking\nyour mind. These rules makes you powerless, because you are. You can't go to\nwhat you really want.",[15,245,246],{},"These rules they teach you to abandon your own choices. You become disconnected\nfrom what you really want, while other people’s needs, moods, and approval\ncontrol your life.",[15,248,249],{},"This rules are generally robbing you of your power and force.",[15,251,252],{},"As we do this, we have the unspoken expectation that goes something like\nthis. If I’m nice and play by all these rules, then life will bring me good\nthings. People will like me, respect me, hire me, promote me, date me, love me,\nand be my friend.  The problem is this plan doesn’t work. It doesn’t bring you\nthe things you really want. The nice stance is inherently a passive one.  It’s\nthe path of avoidance of discomfort and hoping that life will magically turn out\nthe way we want it to. It’s a life of fear with a thin rationalization: I’m\nchoosing to live this way because it makes me a “good person.”",[209,254,256],{"start":255},4,[49,257,258],{},"Isolation",[15,260,261],{},"Life is sad and certainly not fun when using these rules. You do all this things\nbut at the end of the day, you still feel lonely. You feel people wont notice\nyour sacrifices. People are not giving you back the things as you expect.",[15,263,264],{},"Some people might know you and even love you. But they don't really know\nyou. They see the mask over yourself and this result in weak connection that you\nreally not enjoying it.",[209,266,268],{"start":267},5,[49,269,270],{},"Bonus: Physical pain!",[15,272,273],{},"How does \"being nice\" creates a physical pain? Well, your body has a few\nmechanisms for as an attempt to minimize the emotional pain and discomort.",[15,275,276,277,281],{},"One of them is being ",[278,279,280],"code",{},"denial",". When something uncomfortable and painful happens,\nyour brain and body can simply ignore it.",[15,283,284],{},"These defenses exist to minimize the experience of uncomfortable or painful\nfeelings, such as anger, hurt, fear, terror, sadness, and grief. They often\noperate below our conscious awareness. Hence, we rarely think: Hmm, I’m starting\nto feel some terror about knowing life is impermanent and I’m going to die. I’m\nalso feeling deep grief about my brother being ill. Now, to defend myself\nagainst these feelings, I’m going to maximize my stress about work and focus on\nmy upcoming project as if it’s life or death. Instead, we just feel stressed\nabout this damn project at work, check our email forty- seven times per day, and\nworry about what will happen if we don’t pull it off perfectly.",[15,286,287,288,125],{},"The ultimate defence over a painful situation that you start to feel notice, is\n",[278,289,290],{},"physical pain",[15,292,293],{},"This is the perfect defense because it’s absorbing and distracting.  Have you\never woken up with a neck so painfully sore that you could barely turn your\nhead? How much do you think about that during the day? Heck, how much do you\nthink about that per minute?",[15,295,296],{},"The physical pain aspect of the niceness is a bit out of topic here so i'll\nsuggest you to do some research about it, if it's intrests you.",[10,298,300],{"id":299},"over-responsible","Over-responsible",[15,302,303],{},"Are you feeling you're taking too much responsibility for others?",[15,305,306],{},"A nice person, is often drains his\u002Fher own energy by being a care-taker instead\nof taking care. Here’s the thing. You are not responsible for other people’s\nfeelings. They’re not incompetent children. They’re adults who can handle their\nown feelings. They can work through disappointment, hurt, anger, sadness, and\nupset. In fact, doing so will make them stronger and healthier in the long\nrun. You cannot stop others from feeling all discomfort, or all pain. It is an\nimpossible task, a fool’s errand.",[15,308,309],{},[39,310,311],{},"Differentiation",[15,313,314],{},"A simple concept named Differentiation can help you to overcome the\nover-responsibility and rejection in general. Differentiation in this context\nmeans, we are all different in someways. I dont have the same feeling as\nyou. I'm me. And you are you. I have my own thoughts, feelings and opinions,\ndesires, hopes and fears.  We can disagree, disappoint each other, or feel\ndifferently without either of us being wrong or unsafe.",[10,316,318],{"id":317},"anger-phobic","Anger-phobic",[15,320,321],{},"Let’s start with this question: is anger good or bad?\nWhat do you think? What’s your initial gut reaction? For most nice\npeople, anger is an unacceptable, undesirable, and generally bad\nemotion. If one is nice, one shouldn’t feel angry, irritated, or upset\nwith others.",[15,323,324],{},"These are the stories I lived by for decades. I would get anxious or\ndepressed, but never angry. Sure, once in a while I’d feel enraged at\nanother driver on the road, but these instances were internal and\nhidden.",[15,326,327],{},"People often classify emotions as positive and negative. sadness, anger,\nirritation. But these emotions are completely healthy to have. You just need\nhandle them accordingly. For example, when you feel angry, don't just suppress\nit. Really feel it, and use it toward the person you're angry with. This will\nfuel you when speaking to talk in more assertive way.",[10,329,331],{"id":330},"boundary-less","Boundary-less",[15,333,334],{},"To illustrate with an example, imagine you own a house. This house has a backyard\nwith a lawn, some flowers, and a fruit tree. Life is good.",[15,336,337],{},"Your neighbor also has a backyard behind his house, which borders\nyours. Sometimes, when you’re out back in your yard, he’s out in his yard as\nwell. Imagine the following scenario, and notice your internal reaction: He sees\nyou behind your house and shouts a friendly greeting, walking towards you. He\nwalks across his yard into yours, making his way through your flower bed,\nstepping on several of them. As he chats with you, he casually walks to your\nfruit tree and picks two of the juiciest, ripest peaches, placing one in his\npocket, and taking a big, satisfying bite out of the other one.",[15,339,340],{},"How are you feeling in this moment? Are you enjoying the interaction? Or is part\nof you a little irritated, a little upset, a little pissed off? Well, if you\nare, you shouldn’t be. You should be tolerant, after all. I mean, he didn’t know\nhe stepped on your flowers. You have a bunch of peaches on that tree. You should\nbe more generous and share a few with him…  Sound familiar?",[15,342,343],{},"Here's the thing: These internal reactions are so important. They reveals your\nboundaries. What you want, and what you don't want and dislike. This stuff\nmatters. It matters because it's your and your experience. You matter.",[15,345,346],{},"Would you say anything to your neighbor? Would you tell him you’d prefer that he\ndidn’t pick your fruit without asking? Would you tell him to not step on your\nfucking flowers? Or would you smile politely, nod, carry on a friendly\nconversation, and only internally react? Would you be angry, but too scared to\nshow it, and instead wait until he was gone, then go into your house and tell\nyour spouse, “Honey! You wouldn’t believe what Albert just did! That guy is such\nan insensitive, stupid jerk!”",[10,348,350],{"id":349},"speak-less","Speak-less",[15,352,353],{},"There may be dozens of places in your life in which you are tired of holding\nback, being silent, playing nice, getting looked over, ignored, disrespected,\npushed around.",[15,355,356],{},"Below i write some aspect of it so you can understand it better.",[15,358,359],{},[39,360,361],{},"smarter, better, and more certain",[15,363,364],{},"During a conversation with people, sometimes it is hard to honor your perspective because you’re not so sure inside\nyourself. Maybe you don’t know what you think about something, or where you\nstand on a topic. This might be from a lack of practice of discovering and\nhonoring your perspective. In fact, you may have years of habitually assuming\nyour thoughts, opinions, and feelings about a subject don’t matter much. But as\nyou examine what your perspective is more and more, your sense of certainty will\ngrow stronger.",[15,366,367,368,371],{},"You also might be automatically assuming that other perspectives\nare more valid because you deem them as smarter and better. Part of this might\nbe due to their age, experience, or status. It might also be a response to the\nlevel of certainty they have when they communicate. If they sound confident, it\ncan automatically create a sense of uncertainty or doubt inside of you.  But\nremember this: ",[39,369,370],{},"Certainty does not correlate with accuracy."," Just because someone\nsounds certain, it does not mean that what they’re saying is accurate. It also\ndoesn’t mean that it’s more thought out, researched, or backed by anything at\nall. This is something that i finally learned after listening to people in my\nlife journey, From college to my relatives.",[15,373,374,377],{},[39,375,376],{},"Remember, people just say stuff",". You might be surprised. But if you want to\nmake sure, think like a scientist. Place your hypothesis \"Is people mostly say\nstuff without having a extensive knowledge about the subject?\" and go through\nit. When you feel someone is saying something wierd, challenge them:",[197,379,380],{},[15,381,382],{},"How do you know that? What makes you say that?",[197,384,385],{},[15,386,387],{},"Interesting, I haven’t heard that before. What research did you read that said\nthat?",[15,389,390],{},"You'll surprised by how do most people just throw their two cents to any conversation,\nwhether or not they had any extensive research about that subject.",[15,392,393],{},[39,394,395],{},"Sharing freely socially",[15,397,398],{},"Most nice people don’t think they deserve much attention or focus when\ninteracting with others. They tend to keep the conversation focused on the other\nperson, asking them questions, and sharing less about themselves. They don’t\nwant to be an egomaniac or attention hog who just talks about themselves. In\nfact, being the center of attention is often uncomfortable, even when they’re\njust talking with one person, let alone a group.",[15,400,401],{},"What would serve you more is to have a healthy expectation of\nattention in a conversation. This means you think you deserve\nattention, for others to be present with you, and listen to what you\nare saying. What you say is significant and it matters, because it’s\nabout you. Even if it’s you simply sharing something you read, or an\nexperience you recently enjoyed in your life. That matters, because\nyou matter.",[15,403,404],{},"What came to your mind? Your dog, a movie you watched yesterday, working out?\nDon’t dismiss anything like this as irrelevant or uninteresting. Anything about\nyour life that is interesting to you, is interesting. It matters.",[15,406,407],{},"The point is you can express yourself. You can share who you are. Because you\nmatter. What you think, feel, and experience matters.",{"title":409,"searchDepth":225,"depth":225,"links":410},"",[411,412,413,414,415,416,417],{"id":12,"depth":225,"text":13},{"id":128,"depth":225,"text":129},{"id":191,"depth":225,"text":192},{"id":299,"depth":225,"text":300},{"id":317,"depth":225,"text":318},{"id":330,"depth":225,"text":331},{"id":349,"depth":225,"text":350},"2026-08-17T00:00:00.000Z","Be less nice.",false,"md","\u002Fblog-images\u002Fcows.webp",{"alt":424},"cattle",true,"\u002Fshyness-niceness",{"title":5,"description":419},"shyness-niceness",[430],"health","1VKsJTnvZvPmjtlrRSzN1EqM_ywfUzT35GRvj6KaDSo",1787780211685]